Lewis’ Defending Masterclass: Man Marking
Having tackled a few “flash harry’s” in his time and stamped on a few toes at corners we thought that the wiley old defender Graham Lewis would be best placed to share his knowledge of the finer art of defending with us all. We met up with Graham in the back of his van to discuss the art of man marking, here’s how it went.

Ret & Frem: “Afternoon Graham, Nice Van!”
Graham: “What you saying about my Van!!?? I’ll tell you what I’ll have you if you aint careful!”
Ret & Frem: “Sorry Graham, didn’t want to offend you, just thought we’d come and chat about man marking”
Graham: “Have you paid your annual subs??!!”
Ret & Frem: “No Graham, not yet!”
Graham: “Well fellas, I suggest you pay up, otherwise I’ll set Mrs Lewis on you!”
Ret & Frem: “We only want to talk about man marking though Graham….”
Graham: “No annual subs, no interview!”
Ret & Frem: “Do you take cheques?”
Graham: “Yes, and I give receipts!”
Ret & Frem: “OK Graham here you go that’s £160 cheque for both of us”
Graham: “OK fellas, nice doing business with you. I’ll tell you all you need to know about man marking now.”
Ret & Frem: “Thanks Mr Lewis”
Graham: “Well the best advice that I can give to any young Norsemen who is set with the task of man marking is to grab ‘em by the balls a few times and stamp on their toes at corners, after that they’ll sh*t their pants every time you go anywhere near them!”
Ret & Frem: “Thanks Mr Lewis”
Graham: “No problem lads now sod off! I’ve got a carpet to lay and a pint to drink!”

NEXT WEEK: We visit Peter Harland and learn how to score a goal using every part of your anatomy!

The Winchmore clubhouse atmosphere had suffered since the loss of the widescreen telly

Mr Sparrow prepared to fly over Winchmore

“It’s a CRACKER!”
In an effort to keep up with the competition we thought we’d start reviewing similar publications to our own that up date their club members with the going ons around the various clubs.

The following cracker rating system will be used to rate the publications:

Not worth the Paper it’s printed on = Dry like Ryvita
Only worth a glance if you’re really bored = Dry like Jacobs
Good Solid effort = Dry like Carr’s Cracker selection
A CRACKER of a read = A Ritz of a read!

First up in our series of reviews we visit our neighbours Winchmore Hill FC.

Winchmore have put together an informative Newsletter titled “Winter Shat” err I mean “Chat” that gives you an insight into the general sense of humour that abounds the clubhouse at the Pauline Ground. Seeping from every pore of this publication you can truly find a joke in every comical word that is written. It’s like a constant barrage of jokes that infuses the reader with a deep sense of joy that you are part of such a lovely club.

I especially enjoyed the acronym used for the Multi Use Games Area (M.U.G.A). This of course doubles up as an anagram which describes a fully paid up member of Winchmore Hill Sports and Social Club (answers on a postcard please, Gavin & Scotty J don’t worry if you can’t work it out, I’ll explain next time I see you)

Anyway, all in all a truly dry like experience that is summed up during the in depth report from Winchmore Hill F.C Youth Section, take a look for yourself to find out what great stuff is happening in the Youth section at the Pauline Ground!

http://www.winchmorehill.org/football/football_news.html

OVERALL RATING

Hat Trick Jug:
Any Player scoring a hat trick must purchase a beer jug for the team

Own Goal Jug:
Any Player scoring an own goal must purchase a beer jug for the team

Penalty Miss Jug:
Any Player who misses a penalty must purchase a beer jug for the team

Defenders / Goalie Clean Sheet Jug:
All team defenders and goalie to club together and buy the team a beer jug

Birthday Jug:
Any player who is celebrating their Birthday on a match day must purchase a beer jug for the team

Captain’s Birthday Port:
Any Captain who is celebrating their Birthday on a match day must purchase a bottle of Port for the team

Captains Jug:
Any Captain whose side win in the Cup must purchase their team a Cup Jug

Beating Winchmore Hill Port:
Any Captain whose side beat the hill in the League or Cup must purchase the team a bottle of Port

Hopefully this has cleared a few questions up around Beer & Port etiquette at Norsemen. Please feel free to point out any glaring omissions from this list of Beer / Port buying opportunities by sending suggestions to:
retandfrem@norsemenfc.com

1 Danny Green (7 goals)
2 Steve Elder (6 goals)
3 Nicky Morgan (6 goals)
4 Ross Davis (6 goals)
5 Andy Grant (6 goals)

A legendary figure amongst older Norsemen, Goody played over 1 million games for Norsemen and never lost a header. He managed to break 15 players’ arms and 14 players’ legs. Goody was a Roy Keane type who gave as good as he got and then some!

Nowadays Goody resides in Canada causing worldwide mischief along the lines of the 1000’s of tour pranks he used to pull. Such classics as “Pigs Head Birth”, “Turd in a glass” and my personal favourite “The Weighing Game Head Shave” will all be sorely missed whenever we visit Deal Town.

In an exclusive deal (no pun intended) we have managed to recruit Goody’s services to write some musings on all things Norsemen. All Goody has asked for in return is a gimp mask, an 8” dildo, a woman’s dress, a tub of custard, a broken telly, 100 clothes pegs, a microwave and 6 eggs with Norsemen caricatures drawn on them.

While I go and raid the Norsemen cellar for the aforementioned items, here’s Goody with a few words.

“Comradeship”, my old mentor – a certain Eddie Roworth – would say to me in my maiden season: “This club is all about Comradeship”.
“And Beer”. Came a disembodied voice from the bar.
“Yes, and Beer. Comradeship and Beer”.
“And Violence!”
“That's right. Goody: this club is all about Comradeship, Beer and Violence”. And Eddie would smile a broad smile of satisfaction, safe in the knowledge that he was fairly good at all three.
So it is of interest to me now, almost 20 years later, that I should recall those words and reflect on the absence of certain others. Such as, “winning things”.
In my 20-year association with club, punctuated as it is with sabbaticals to foreign lands, I only ever won one thing: as a 91st minute “sympathy vote” substitute in the 1997 SAL Cup Final (5th team section). So “winning things” was usually something that to be honest happened to other people. And rightly so, because I was never actually that good a footballer. I was always in it for the Comradeship, Beer and Violence.
In the coming months I will present my thoughts and possibly some allegory on the subjects of Comradeship, Beer and Violence. I will accompany the texts with a humourously subtitled online instructional video
We shall kick off with the evergreen Mr.Hitler, who is frustrated when he discovers he can't get a game at the weekend.